26 June 2009

It's time to leave

The craziness...a moment of silence in the House for child molester Jacko while passing arguably one of the largest tax increases in history...leads me to believe those in power are not there to preserve, protect, and defend, unless, of course, it's their lobbyists and their base.

Liberal fascism has consumed Washington, and with it, the future of a free America. Game over, John and Tom -- your federal republic is in the shitter, and with it the promise of a better life for us all. Unless you want to be bent over by Obama, Pelosi, Frank, and their handlers, you'll want to stick around. If not, then perhaps it's time to consider leaving this repubic.

03 June 2009

Cancer free!

Well, the results are back and Beth is cancer free! The PET scan didn't light up any cancerous cells; however, the CT scan indicated some scarring around her lung where the chest tube was, something that was expected.

Guarded optimism. She's due for another CT scan in three weeks, as recurrence of this type of lymphoma occurs sooner, rather than later. Beth will also get another PET scan in six months. You can never be truly "cured" of cancer, but you can beat it back with a stick. Thank you for all your kind words, thoughts, and prayers over the past several months. It means a lot to all of us.

30 May 2009

Kobyashi Maru

I have an urgent plea to the two or three readers of this infrequently-updated blog. I am literally on the horns of a dilemma and would appreciate your insight.

My problem first started a few months ago, when I felt something deep down inside me, something that I couldn't quite pinpoint. It manifested itself first as hunger. I thought this something had to do with the stresses upon my family right now or with the medications I'm taking, weight gain being a side effect of one of the drugs. I don't need to gain any more weight, having gained almost 30 pounds since the first of the year. When I felt the urge to eat, even after eating a large meal, I'd try some kind of behavioral trick, like singing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" to myself or using the rubber-band-around-the-wrist techniques. That lasted all of one week. Soon thereafter, I began to experience waves of nausea, especially after eating beef or chicken. Again, thinking this was something to do with stress or Big Pharma, I tried to alleviate these symptoms the best I could, usually by taking a swig of Pepto-Bismol, right out of the bottle. The feelings of hunger alternating with nausea persist much of the time now. Either I want to eat or I want to puke.

I suspect that these alternating waves of hunger and nausea are tied together in my brain somehow. Perhaps my subconscious has been screaming at me for the past few months and I've not been listening, maybe. Dunno. I want to do something; logically I know I must not do this something because it may kill me. But if I do this something I might die. I feel that I'm chained to a no-win scenario.

You see, I have an urge to choke down a Fish 'n' More at Long John Silvers...


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Now playing: Dream Theater - A Change of Seasons: I. The Crimson Sunrise, II. Innocence, III. Carpe Diem, IV. The Darkest of Winters, V. Another World, VI. The Inevitable Summer, VII. The Crimson Sunset
via FoxyTunes

15 May 2009

23

Which sound is more beautiful, the squeak of shoes on a glossy basketball court or the deep throb of a funked-up bass?

Thanks, 23, for giving us both.

07 May 2009

Hunker down

Our "Dear Leader" is but a mere puppet, our civilization continues to drink the Kool-Aid, and the Devil is in the details. I fear that my daughter will be forced to choose between learning hunter/gatherer skills or die; I fear that my wife will be forced to choose between being treated for cancer and being abused by cancer; I fear that I can get quite accustomed to happy pills and forget. We may have nothing to fear but fear itself, but what options do we have? Nature seems to spin in mysterious ways, but we see Nature spin in ways seen great and small. No amount of chemotherapy, no amount of treatment can abate the cancer growing within our world, our society, ourselves. We are powerless to stop the train wreck happening before our eyes. Are we to allow the destruction of our village to save our village? Game over, man?

Faith and hope? Faithlessness and hopelessness? We can pray and hope and die, or dig in and hunker down and survive. If it was up to me, I'm not sure what choice I'd make. But it's not up to me.

12 April 2009

Catastrophic

But that's in a good way. Turns out that sometime last month we hit our catastrophic limit on our health insurance. One of the few good things one can say about working for Los Federales is the benefits. Never again will I bitch a fit when the rates go up, for I figure I've taken more out of the system than I've put in. And we're fixin' to take more out of it.

Beth finished up Round V of chemo week before last. Last week was her nadir week when she's neutropenic, and so she was restricted to quarters. Not that she felt like getting out...she got achey and started to run a temperature Wednesday night. Got in to see her oncologist Thursday afternoon and the upshot is that all is well, probably a mild upper respiratory infection. Blood workup was good and all was well. She's got her strength up and is presently yelling at the television -- don't know if the Cubs made a good play or a poor one, hard to tell. One more round to go, then another battery of tests to see where she is. Afterwards we'll know if she needs radiation treatments.

My Lyrica dosage went up to 200mg/day and so I'm falling around half the time. Doesn't seem to help much but there are times. Last night, for instance. I helped work yesterday's severe weather event having that and a Lortab in me...and I felt good. Not good as in "goooooood" (that goes without saying!), but good as in "okay". Going in Tuesday at the arsecrack of dawn for another outpatient procedure, this time to block some nerves near the root. A second opinion from a neurosurgeon in town comes up week after next. All at no cost to me...I've paid out all I have to this year. Well, maybe not...Midland Memorial wants their copay up front for elective procedures and I fear a battle looming between me and the system. I'll have to call my insurance and see what I need to do before going in for precertification -- which, as anyone knows, is oftentimes longer and more painful than the procedure itself.

Somebody, somewhere, is being screwed by the system. In looking back through the statements we recieved from our health insurance provider, I see that a treatment of Rituxin cost over $11 grand, but since the hospital is a preferred provider, the cost is lowered by over 60%, then lowered further as we're required to pay 15% of what was left. Not that it matters now, as we've hit our catastropic limit...I realize now that the business of providing health care is similar to selling cars. There's the dealer cost and there's the MSRP, then there's all kinds of incentives and gotchas. Kinda makes you wonder what the true cost of health care really is. While I'm against any kind of socialzed health care, no one should worry about paying the costs associated with needed medical care. Then again, no one should not contribute in some way toward that cost, whether it be through insurance premiums, taxes, health savings plans, et cetera. Then again, those of us who pay insurance premiums and taxes and contribute to health savings plans end up paying the system in some way. If there ever was an embodiment of the Second Law of Thermodynamics, the business of health is it.

Nice severe weather event last night. I should write about that in its own entry, maybe I will tomorrow or Tuesday. The Nova has several new dents courtesy of hail up to 2.5" in diameter. Nobody lost glass and that was good. Shortly after Midland was shelled, the storm wrapped up into one of the nastiest hooks I can recall. The velocity data wasn't all that scary (maybe 110 knots gate-to-gate down low) but the reflectivity data screamed tornado. Last I heard there were reports of a touchdown near Sprayberry, southeast of Midland. It was nice to smell rain and hear thunder, at least for the 30 seconds or so I spent outside. It was not so nice to hear that sickening BANG as another tennis ball smacks the metal roof of the office, however.

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Now playing: Brand X - Act of Will
via FoxyTunes


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Now playing: Brand X - Don't Make Waves
via FoxyTunes

28 March 2009

A pain in the neck

A few days before our annual trip to Parque Nacional de la Curva Grande I met with my GP for a followup. I explained the situation with my neck and the increase in pain, for which he prescribed for me Lyrica 3x daily and Amrix 1x daily. I also got refills for Lunesta and my "happy pills", a.k.a. hydrocodone. So I do as the doctor prescribed and I'm literally stumbling around like a drunk the next day. I shouldn't have gone to work, much less drive. No doubt I contributed to the mission of my unnamed employer! The day after that, I met with a pain management specialist and I explained that now I was "stupid" from the different drugs. This MD said it was no wonder I was "stuipd" as he gradually brings his patients up from a 1x daily dose of Lyrica to 3x daily over a few weeks. We made an appointment for a spinal epidural after we got back from Big Bend.

So last Tuesday morning I get to the hospital at the asscrack of dawn, check in, and am directed to a room. I was directed to change into a hospital gown (missing a strap thingie, naturally) and then waited. One nurse came in to do a history...apparently some paperwork from the five pages of history I gave the hospital when I precertified myself the day before got lost, begging the question that my unnamed employer was somehow involved...while another started an IV. My pain management MD comes in to let me know that the paperwork got messed up (he's wearing a UT surgical cap...yikes!) but we were going to start soon. Wheeled me down into the room, roll me over onto my stomach, start an O2 feed, and the next thing I remember is drinking a Gatorade in the recovery room. I gotta get me some of whatever they put into my IV. Good shit, mon. I'm pretty dopey the rest of the day; was cautioned by the medical staff not to drive, operate power tools, or make critical decisions for 24 hours. Should've gone into work...who knows, might've been more productive than usual. Sometime that evening the sedative they used to knock me out started to wear off and I could tell something wasn't quite right. My pulse was up over 140 at times and I couldn't sleep despite taking a Lyrica and Amrix. Maybe it was the 'roids kicking in, dunno. Gave up at 0400, called into work to tell them I wouldn't be in, and then took a Lunesta. Woke up at 1030, piddled around the house, then went into work, thinking I couldn't do anything that would endanger myself, my coworkers, or contrary computers.

I understand that it takes from two to five days to realize some relief from the epidural. It's been five days and things have gotten a bit worse. For starters, the burners are more-or-less constant now and he sharp stabbing pain at the base of the neck has returned. I also need to pay attention when I grasp things, like coffee mugs. On the upside, the muscle spasms have diminished greatly. The meds have put me in a comfortably numb state of mind but I also notice I'm much more, well, emotional now. I also can't move around too fast or I'll lose my equilibrium...another side effect of the Lyrica, I suppose. Going to call the pain MD Monday and see what else we can do and I should get a call back from another neurologist on a second opinion as well. I've had three MDs tell me that I'll need surgery, either to fuse the vertebrae or to replace the cervical discs with prosthestic discs. I'll choose the latter if the time comes -- I understand that fusion of the cervical vertebrae just redistributes the load and causes more problems farther down the road. And besides, I won't have to go through the cattle chutes at airports again. There's always an upside.


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Now playing: Dream Theater - Stream Of Consciousness
via FoxyTunes

26 March 2009

The center cannot hold

Eh...we shouldn't write things while we're overmedicated. Sets a bad example for the youngsters.

24 March 2009

Teaching Moment #1

This is why you use the damn depth-of-field preview, bonehead!

Bluebonnet Boo-Boo

Taken 20 March 2009, 08:32 CDT on east service road near Rio Grande Village, TX. Nikon D70s, Nikkor 105mm f/2.8D @ 105mm, ISO 200 @ 1/80 sec. and f/5.0. Image modified slightly using Photoshop Elements to sharpen and adjust contrast.

09 March 2009

More Brownian motion

This past weekend, Kathryn and I attended a father-daughter function at a Girl Scout camp in the Davis Mountains. Katie had a lot of fun, and so did I. The staff there are to be commended for dealing with dads and daughters and a daunting schedule of events! Not everything that was planned occurred, but that's okay. The important part was spending time with our little girls. I haven't given Katie as much attention as I should have these past few months, and it was good to have some time, however brief, just hanging out.




Beth starts Round IV (ha!) of chemo tomorrow morning. There's an odd subdivision of tine here; we measure time not in months but in weeks. There's chemo week, down week when her white blood cell count craters and she's susceptible to all kinds of shit, and the good week. Three week "months" measured by chemo and, well, episodes of 24 and BSG.

She's doing great, spirits good and ready to fight. My wife is a stubborn lady. Another reason why I love her.




Going through the mental checklists before our Big Bend sojourn and getting the 4Runner serviced was high on the to-do list. Noted last week some toe-in wear on the passenger front tire, so an alignment and an overall checkup was in order. Took the truck to the Toyota dealership this morning; Beth picked me up and we went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. Sat down, ordered, talked about all the stuff we had to do this week, and the waitress came to our table with our food. She placed a card on our table with Scripture printed on both sides and informed us that our tab was paid for by another guest in the restaurant.

Wow.

If you've read this blog or know me, you'll know that I have little faith in faith. I hold most Christian faiths in contempt as IMO they have strayed from the path a Jewish carpenter laid forth some two millennia ago. Besides, if there is an Almighty, surely He has better things to do than to grace me with His presence. Perhaps He did have better things to do this morning, but perhaps He did delegate some tasks. I will never know your names, but thank you for your act of kindness. I hope that I can repay your kindness someday. And I hope that, at least for tonight, that there are some good people out there. God, should You exist, hold these people in Your hand. They will need a hand soon.




Cookie season is almost over, praise Allah. Girl Scout cookies are great, but the logistics of getting those boxes of Thin Mints to folks is unreal. I've said this before and I'll say this again -- FEMA should take lessons from Girl Scout cookie moms. GSA cookie moms wouldn't have trailers stuck in the mud in Arkansas years after Hurricane "Katrina". They would've moved those trailers to help families in need. Maybe that's what the organization I work for needs most -- leadership from cookie moms, not those people. Maybe one of these days...




This time next week I'll be contemplating the bottom of a bottle of good red wine and listening to Pelosi's supporters braying on the south side of the Rio Bravo del Norte. Not much planned for this next week and I will enjoy that very much. Like to do some reading and thinking and time away from the maze. Besides, maybe I'll get a decent picture of a vermilion flycatcher.

02 March 2009

Le Chatelier's Principle

Okay, so irresponsible banks made irresponsible loans to irresponsible businesses and individuals. Said banks sold said loans to irresponsible brokers who ate the gravy (while they could) and everybody made "money" until the market finally realized that it was overleveraged and that there really wasn't anything that supported the economy. Like a house of cards the economy came crashing down. Woo hoo.

Pointing fingers is a great exercise. It exercises the fingers. Helps me type, but it doesn't shed any light on the situation. A history lesson, kiddos: let us go back to Yellowstone NP, 1988. Long-standing government policies, some going back to the formation of the national park system, allowed for an abundance of fuels in Yellowstone and across other federal and state lands. These policies, generally wrapped around attacking natural and anthropogenic fires as soon as they started, led to an excess of fine fuels in the understory and an excess of dead, dying, and diseased trees. After a dry winter and a hot summer, fires attacked the forests across Yellowstone with a vengeance. 800,000 acres, about a third of the national park, burned that summer, and the fires burned themselves out only with the fall snows and cooler temperatures.

The media then were crying and scaring folks. Yellowstone's forests, they said, were gone forever. You know what? Instead of dying off and becoming a barren wasteland, Yellowstone's ecosystem came back. What the media and the government failed to understand was that the lodgepole pines, probably the predominant species of pine in the park, must have fire and heat for the pinecones to release the seeds. Fire, as it turned out, is the critical factor in the renewal of the Yellowstone ecosystem. In many places of the park the fire scars are predominant, 20 or so years after the fire. Instead of pristine forest you see tall, hulking lodgepoles, but beneath, there are new species of plants, species that were choked off from sunlight because of dense canopy and duff. New lodgepoles are growing from seeds laid open by the fires. Flora and fauna flourish. Lesson? It's not nice to fool with Mother Nature.

Our economy is an organic thing. It may not be life as many say life is, but it is life nonetheless. This might (probably?) be a Gaean oversimplification, but there it is. Fire is good for the ecosystem, for it kills of the weak and diseased and allows new growth. I suspect that a fire is good for economy, for it kills off the weak and diseased business models and allows for new growth. It may be a good hook from a pretty cool BOC song, but history shows again and again how nature points out the folly of man. When we went off the gold standard and based our fiduciary system on paper, we set into motion the events that consume the fire burning through our economic forest now.

This may take awhile. What we're in will likely span this Administration (hopefully!) and frame a generation. Some are talking of depression, and you know what? A depression may not be a bad thing. For far too long a combination of actions both public and private led to this. No amount of bailout money or oversight or economic policy shift will stop this wildfire. Might as well piss in the wind. The wildfire consuming our economy will simply have to burn itself out.

This depression will not end in a sound bite or a 60 minute show or a news cycle or an election cycle. The healing may very well take a decade. But only if we allow nature to run her course...birth, growth, maturation, decay, fire, birth.

We survived one Great Depression. We can survive another. We will survive, one way or another.

26 February 2009

The Democrats' Reichstag moment

What history shows us: The Nazis burned the Reichstag in the winter of 1933 and blamed the Communists. Hitler. Göring, and Goebbels used this act of arson to influence elections later that year and establish the iron grip of Nazism across Germany. The German Communist party was disbanded and its members imprisoned, tortured, and killed. This grip was only loosened after a world war and the deaths of millions, including some six million Jews.

What history may show us: The Democrats burned the American economy in the summer of 2008 and blamed the Republicans. Pelosi, Reid, and Frank used this act of arson to influence elections later that year and establish the iron grip of liberal fascism across the United States. The American Republican party was disbanded and its members imprisoned, tortured, and killed. This grip was only loosened after a world war and the deaths of millions, including some six million Christians.

Implausible? Are liberal fascists reaping the harvest of plans set in motion years ago to stir fear into the American people without having to go to war to do so? Does this fear (and "hope of change") give the Democrats the leverage to pass America's own "Enabling Act"? With liberal fascism in control of financial institutions, the entertainment industry and the media (a.k.a. "bread and circuses"), health care, transportation, and defense, and having majorities in both houses of Congress, will they focus next on gutting the Supreme Court, quite possibly during legal challenges over the 2010 census, granting representation in Congress to the District of Columbia, or another challenge on our Second Amendment rights? And don't think for a moment that liberal fascism will not hesitate to send millions of Christians to concentration camps and then to gas chambers; Democrats already support infanticide.

Let's hope that democracy prevails and that, in the 2010 elections, we can restore a majority of conservatives to the Senate. Absent that, I see little hope for a peaceful restoration of our republic.

13 February 2009

All I wanna do is hurt someone...

Ah, the delicious parody one could (and probably has already) make from that insipid Sheryl Crow song...

Beth came down with some nausea Sunday. My garbage pail omelets might've been the culprit, or it could've been John M's mamma's gravy I made Sunday night. Chemo does weird things with one's digestive system, and that's something I need to learn how to work around. Her crummy tummy has since diminished only to be replaced by foul bowel. The immodium wasn't working so she went to see her doctor today and they've prescribed something a bit more intense. I'm bitching at her to keep up her fluids. She starts Round III of R-CHOP on Tuesday, and she can't be dehydrated then. Honey, I know you hate Gatorade and Powerade. Tachycardia isn't any fun, either.

Looks like some g*ddamn clerk at N*AA lost my security stuff. According to those bozos, I don't exist and that I need to resubmit prints, etc. (and pay $121) to prove that I do indeed exist and that I've been an employee of N*AA for 25 years by my reckoning. Well, if I don't exist, I should be able to pick up the phone and chew somebody's ass out. Technically I'm in violation of all kinds of inane regulations, and technically some asshat (asshat, n: a unit vector in the ass direction) could make my life miserable. I'd welcome that change; besides, everything anybody does inside the Beltway makes me want to puke. Especially from those people.

The comedy with my spinal situation continues. After supposedly getting a referral from my neurosurgeon to a pain specialist a week ago Wednesday, I called yesterday, not having heard from said specialist. "Oh, we're working on that right now, sir," was the response. Yeah, right. Sweetie, come up with a better excuse. Beth has about ten hydrocodones left from her fall last fall; I dipped into them earlier this week. Here's a trade-off for you...detox for being able to function more or less normally. Hmm. If I don't hear from the specialist on Monday I need to get something so I can function. Gotta work to pay the bills. About the only time I don't hurt is when I sleep, and only thanks to the lunestra. Speaking of which, it's time to take that little blue pill. No, not that one...

08 February 2009

Getting close

The daffodils in the back yard are about to sprout flowers. The ash tree out front is starting to bud, and the house finches are starting their courtship. White-wing doves are calling about all the time now. Lesser goldfinches out on the finch feeder are starting to show a little color, too. House sparrows are, well, house sparrows, useful only for consuming feed and being consumed by a sharpie that seems to be orbiting the yard every hour our so.

The sun felt warm yesterday. Pitchers and catchers report next week. Might even get some rain tonight. Winters are mercifully brief this far south; I for one am glad that this one is winding down.

And I have about a dozen white wings looking into the window right now, wondering when I'm going to put out more black oil sunflower seeds...